Desperation Scares Your Desires Away

Hey everyone,

As you may have noticed, I didn't publish last week.

Thanks to getting a massive flu virus, I had a pretty bad time last week with several days of fever and suffering. This left me with no energy to publish anything.

Anyways, I'm glad to have recovered finally and am back on my feet with great energy.

Stay safe, and make sure to get all the nutrition and vitamins recommended to boost your immune system so your body can fight against any virus this season might bring.

Now, let's go to this week's article, which takes no more than 6 minutes to read.

But before that, please subscribe to get all the new stories in your inbox, and soon some more valuable content only subscribers can enjoy.

"Be careful: if you try too hard, you might shit yourself" - says a famous Hungarian "urban" proverb.

As this saying wants to represent, trying too hard is not always the best idea to accomplish something.

I have three short stories to prove that.

1) On Diet: For years, I was trying to lose fat and get in shape but with no real success. I tried different diets and desperately tried to measure and track calories and macros. While a certain restrictive diet brought great results in the short term, I almost completely got the weight back in the long run.

In the meantime, I saw others who just decided to limit eating shitty junk food and moderately watch their food intake, which worked for them.

When I finally realized to follow a balanced nutrition plan and worry less about my progress, I started seeing lasting results.

2) On Career: Around my mid-20s, I was desperate to step into the startup world and become the next startup wonderkid. I first wanted to work at early-stage startups and eventually start my own.

However, I was desperate to earn good money from any startup projects I stepped into from ground zero. First, this led me to a role that 1) I did not enjoy at all, 2) did not pay me enough to cover my living expenses, and eventually, 3) led me to become broke.

Even after I recovered from that situation, my desperation did not fade away, but it was supplemented by anxiety and impatience during other startup experiences. I wanted quick success, to be featured in magazines, and to become known.

The not-so-secret recipe to ultimate failure.

It took some time until I realized that I ultimately got it wrong.

3) On Love: I went through a breakup not long before my 23rd birthday. For the first 1-1.5 years, I did not want to hear about another relationship at all.

But later, I became desperate to find love and a caring relationship. I signed up for dating apps, started talking to women, and went on a few dates. Within two years, I had quite a few first dates (a few seconds or more), and I especially had 2-3 first dates where I felt the initial spark and "love at first sight."

None of those first dates ended well; I eventually got rejected or, worse, ghosted.

Through the painful rejections and common behavior patterns, I had to realize that I was too desperate to find someone that wasn't attractive for the woman I wanted.

Instead, I started working on my inner self to become more satisfied with who I am and enjoy my own freedom and the possibilities I have in life.

Through these three stories, the common lesson learned is that trying too hard and being desperate only leads to "shitting yourself."

Trying To Stay On The Surface - But Sinking Instead

I recently saw Akta's fascinating video on the topic of "trying too hard" - funny enough that I was already preparing for this topic as she posted that video a week ago.

In her video, she quotes philosopher Alan Watts and The Backward Law - a notion he popularized but originates from the Eastern philosophy thousands of years ago.

Concerning the notion, Alan Watts says:

This basically says that the harder we try to do something, the less likely we will achieve it, as it only reinforces what we lack.

Mark Manson, the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, says that [..] pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. The more you desperately want to be rich, the more poor and unworthy you feel, regardless of how much money you actually make.

I am you also went through this desperation in various experienced. However, one of the most common examples is insomnia.

Sometimes you try to fall asleep once in bed with no success. You are just laying in your bed in complete darkness, yet, your mind wanders around with dancing monkeys in your brain.

But you desperately want to fall asleep. You are trying too hard, and thus, you cannot do so.

However, once you accept that you cannot fall asleep and start doing something else - like watching a video on your phone or reading something -, you eventually fall asleep, sooner than you think.

This is quite a paradox.

The famous Austrian psychiatrist, Viktor Frankl, developed the notion called Paradoxical Intention that he started to use in his therapies.

This idea basically means that one must intentionally confront and accept the feared behavior or thought as it helps the person to learn to view it as less threatening and ultimately reduce the anxiety related to it.

This is exactly what happens once you accept that you won't fall asleep and start doing something else instead.

You can apply the same notion to basically anything else you are currently pursuing with the desire to accomplish something.

If you are developing a new skill, you must put that into practice but first, accept that you won't strive with your first attempts.

This happened to me with this newsletter.

As an avid overthinker, I tend to think too much before I start doing something.

However, with this newsletter I did the opposite: wrote and published the first article without worrying about any criticism or how many people would read it.

I just wrote it and published it.

What happened?

People read it. They shared positive comments about it.

Since then, I have done my best to publish a new article every week (besides some hiccups). Nothing more.

I have been putting conscious effort into this by writing and posting one weekly article.

However, it is said that the absence of conscious effort and intellectual activity is also necessary to let the developed skills evolve naturally.

Therefore, I also tend to follow this "rule" by not trying too hard to grow the audience of this newsletter through more than one weekly article.

Yet, I must admit that sometimes I struggle with the desperate intention to grow my audience, which creates unnecessary anxiety - as I have not been too successful in growing my funnel through my Twitter profile.

So What Can You Do To Be Less Desperate?

Stop for a moment to examine your current life path. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What are the things I eagerly want to achieve? Perhaps it is related to career, financial goals, or personal relationships.

• How much of my attention, time and energy do these desired things take? Am I too anxious about those things?

• What level of progress am I experiencing with those matters? Are they progressing enough, or do I desperately want them to progress faster?

Once you answer these questions, you are clearly aware of which aspects of your life you are trying too hard with massive anxiety and desperation.

If so, embrace mindfulness to practice gratitude for the things you already have in life. Examine your relationships, career, and daily life's small joyful moments. Identify the aspects where you find joy and tranquility—these elements of your life where you can always "escape" from anxiety and desperation.

Suppose your desperation is related to your desire for a personal or romantic relationship. In that case, mindfulness also helps you to be more in the present and be grateful for your current relationships. It allows you to be aware of the love, care, and joy you get from the people who are already around you.

Also, the more self-awareness you build, the more self-love you will experience; thus, no loneliness will fuel your desperation. Solitude is also a significant element we all need to practice in life.

Lastly, follow the notion of the Paradoxical Intention:

• Are you desperate to get more income? Face your fear of being broke and befriend all possible scenarios.

• Are you desperate to change your career? Befriend patience to calm your nerves and accept that it will take longer than you want.

• Are you desperate to get in shape and finally lose your fat? Befriend your body and accept that the more desperate you try, the further you get from your desired outcome. Accept the slow progress but enjoy the path.

That's the key: our living days shall not be about desperation. It's about the journey we take to achieve great and desired things. So just chill and enjoy the path.

Remember: "if you try too hard, you might shit yourself."

Máté - The Mindful Guerilla

💡 My Weekly Recommendations 💡

Stuff I Recommend You This Week

• We spend most of our alive time doing or thinking. Without a true realization but it robs us from truly enjoying the present itself. So, instead of always thinking about something from the past or related to the future, just stop and practice meditation to fully enjoy your precious moment in the present. This is what the following video with Alan Watts' thoughts explains in his own words.

• I found a great article with 40 ways to let go and feel less pain. It certainly won't be as easy as they sound but definitely worth to read, contemplate and apply (some of) those notions.

• If you want to get smarter every day in various fields of interest, sign up to Refind and let the algorithm send you 5 valuable links every day, curated from 10k+ sources.

Newsletters I Read Every Week

• Young Money - Jack writes inspirational & insightful posts on finance, career, and life. I learned a lot from his work, which was also a great motivation for me to start my own newsletter. 10/10 recommended!

• International Intrigue - A valuable newsletter on diplomacy & geopolitics delivered every weekday. Rather read this than all those shitty clickbait articles on mainstream media.

• Exec Sum - A daily newsletter on the major stories from the financial world. It's fun, entertaining, and informative. Better than those finance outlets with shitloads of ads.

• Snail Mail by Slow Growth - a weekly newsletter delivered every Monday by Matt D'Avella's team with great motivational content on productivity. It's not the usual productivity bullshit that you find everywhere else.

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